10 WTF Surprises of Being a New Mom That You'll Never Read in Any Book

After you've had about 10 medical professionals staring into your vagina under the harsh lights of a delivery room, your sense of modesty changes. And when you start breastfeeding, no matter how easy or hard, you just want to get the job done, and you don't always want to leave the couch or sit in a dirty public restroom.

My dad, my mother-in-law, my best friend's boyfriend, a co-worker, a perfect stranger at the aquarium . . . Only two people on this list have yet to see my boobs, and I can't say I'd give a crap if they did.

I used to admonish friends who were constantly checking their phone over dinner, but after one rare night out in which I checked mine as the bill arrived, only to see a stream of 17 text messages from my husband, I've loosened up.

Next time you see a table of people at a restaurant, all with their faces glowing inches above their iPhones, don't shake your head and declare the end of civilization. Maybe they are all just trying to make sure their babies are still alive.

Were you a "neat freak" before you had the baby? Well, get ready: you will soon have poop on your cheek and not even care! That's what scores of moms told me. They also said that if you weren't that into sanitizing, having a baby may turn you into the Purell police.

I've actually found that your cleanliness just becomes incredibly inconsistent. I keep the nursery room spotless and organized, but my clean clothes are now in an indiscernible pile of also-dirty clothes. I scrub baby bottles with a specially designated brush and overpriced soap, but I let our pet dog lick my baby's hands. None of it makes any sense.

In the age where every photo has a filter (and maybe a little photoshopping), it's rare that you'll allow the general public to see you looking anything but your best — hair done, glasses off, lipstick applied. However, there's no greater sacrifice a mother can make than posting an awful picture of herself in deference to the cuteness of her baby.

Also, if you haven't taken selfies before, you will now.

Remember going back home after your first year away at college and feeling like everything was the same but slightly worse? Welcome to your postpartum body. About four weeks after I'd had my baby, I discovered I had stretch marks. On my butt. I still don't know what was more surprising: that you could get stretch marks there, or that I didn't notice them for a solid month.

Just get the "sorry for . . . " emails ready. Before I got pregnant, I had an opinion about everything. Name a debate, I had a side in it: Stay-at-home vs. working moms. Breastfeeding vs. formula. Attachment parenting vs. normal parenting. (Yeah, sorry about that.) Now, I do for my own baby what I think is best for us, and I stay the hell out of other families' business. The one thing you can count on is that the minute you think you have it all figured out, it changes.

At least not at first. Yes, of course you do drop a sizable amount of pounds right after the birth, but just be prepared to plateau for awhile. And all this talk in your childbirth classes about the weight-loss benefits of breastfeeding? It happens, I'm sure, but don't expect it to click right away. It takes time (we're talking months) to start seeing that scale move, even a single pound, in a good direction.

I remember my husband calling out to get my assistance in the nursery room because our daughter had peed while he was changing her diaper. I was so mad that I missed seeing it! My husband got to see her pee and I didn't! And when my baby let out her first belly laugh, my best friend was holding her. What a sweet moment for them. As for the happy family in this photo? You can bet that mom is secretly pissed that that dude gets to be the one holding her baby.

After giving birth, I found myself casually posting about 47 baby photos and liking (for the first time) other people's mom-related posts. A few days later, it seemed people were posting a lot more baby photos! I also seemed to be getting a lot more parenting-related articles popping up in my feed. Had everyone jumped on the baby train at the same time I did?!

No, they didn't. Facebook is scary smart, and it uses a highly complicated algorithm that can tell I'm really into babies now. The bad news is that my feed has been taken over by the one thing I used to be annoyed by. The good news is I love it!

And, really, you probably aren't even doing anything "wrong." I currently know plenty of gainfully employed, happily married people who were dropped as babies. One of my closest friends was a month premature. Another friend of mine apparently cried 15 hours of the day for the first three months of his life, and he's still pretty cool.

And as for that whole "breast is best" pressure? I had a friend who had a terrible time with breastfeeding and felt awful about it. Don't feel awful about it. In six months, your kid will be eating with a spoon and this will all be a distant memory. And, hey, for the most part, I was formula fed, and I'd like to think I turned out OK.